Jam is currently 5 years old.
Jam's best friend, B, was over to play today. Up until a few months ago, when B started kindergarten, they'd been getting together at least twice a week. It helps that they're the same age, have known each other since babyhood, live close and have similar temperaments. They even share some SPD and anxiety traits.
I am so entirely grateful that Jam and B have had each other for these years. They have a lot in common and it's been a mutually beneficial experience.
Something they don't have in common is dyspraxia. Because Jam is dyspraxic and B is not. B runs, B climbs, B is quick and B puts together complete Lego sets in a flash. Jam doesn't do those things. Instead, Jam makes up detailed imaginative play scenarios, Jam uses words and concepts beyond his years, and Jam easily holds his own in conversations with adults. B doesn't do those things.
And, somehow, they've managed to meet in the middle and have tons of fun playing for hours on end. But, as they've aged, the differences are asserting themselves more and that common middle ground is shrinking.
Add to that a lot less available time in a week for playdates now. B is in school until the afternoon and needs time to decompress afterwards. And it just happens that Jam's therapies schedule has moved primarily to afternoons. We have one weekday afternoon open for playdates. When we first moved to an afternoon appointment schedule, I thought it would be great. Jam does best when he has those first hours in a day to be non-rushed and to just play and do whatever interests him. The cost for that, though, has been a sharp decrease in playtime with B.
And it worries me.
It worries me because I see my son losing his best friend. I see Jam confused that B is not interested in pretending to be super heroes anymore. I see B becoming more impatient with Jam's slow pace in all things. And I see B's frustration that Jam doesn't like playground games. They're losing each other. And I suppose that's to be expected as they get old enough to find and play with friends of their own choosing and not the ones their parents chose for them.
But B, having started kindergarten and skilled in all things athletic, has excellent opportunities for finding new and compatible friends. Jam, a bit less so.
The dyspraxia limits his willing participation in playground games that often involve running, chasing and climbing. He is quickly left behind and excluded. And the SPD affects the places he's willing to go and activities he's willing to do. No loud kid-friendly music concerts. No crowded festivals or fairs or pumpkin patch field trips. Last year, B's parents opted against holding B's birthday party at one of those bouncy house places because Jam didn't want to go.
The thing is that friends are really, really important. Especially for kids like Jam. Long-term outcomes for non-neurotypical kids like Jam show higher rates of depression, addiction, incarceration and suicide. Studies show better long-term outcomes for at-risk kids with successful peer relationships, meaning friends.
Which is exactly what non-neurotypical kids like Jam have challenges with. The making and keeping of friends. Hence the push for building social skills in non-NT kids. The kids who need friends the most have a harder time getting them.
(On a positive note, though, one study suggests that even one close friend influences long-term outcomes beneficially.)
So while Jam is many years away from those long-term outcomes, I keep all of this in mind now. And it influences what we do now. Such as re-arranging our schedules when a last-minute, but exciting social opportunity comes up. And discarding our long-held rule about weekends being reserved for family time only. And thinking up new and fun suggestions for how Jam and B can play together that involves both their interests. And always being on the lookout for ways Jam can meet new friends. And always keeping that one afternoon open specifically for playdates.
All of this takes a lot of work and energy, especially to keep Jam's social needs balanced with our introvert needs. But it's been well worth it so far.